Classic Authors + Reality TV = Solid Entertainment

The awesome Dan Cabrera sent a fun link my way this morning: Flavorwire's post about which authors we'd watch reality TV shows about:

Are you more interested in the Brontës than the Kardashians? Does your heart embrace only one Millionaire Matchmaker — Becky Sharp? (Okay, two. Undine Spragg, for name alone.) We lit geeks at Flavorwire see the canned drama of the Basketball Wives, and pooh-pooh. We’d rather tune out, turn off, and reminisce about Faulkner’s drunken Pulitzer Prize speech, or the time Hemingway and Wallace Stevens got into a fistfight. Now, there’s drama we want to DVR! After all, why do reality TV stars enthrall the American public? Our guess is their affluence, good looks, and constant conflict. Well, you know what we say to that? Edith Wharton, Lord Byron, F. Scott Fitzgerald. Literary history roils with glamor, wealth, and — above all — enormous egos. It’s the perfect stuff of entertainment (and art, apparently). So which writers would be on your dream TiVo? Check out our own fantasy list after the jump!

Scott Loves Zelda

Announcer: “Next week, see Zelda start some DRAMA when Scott ignores her at their anniversary party!”

Video: Zelda Fitzgerald throws herself down a flight of stairs, while Scott stands below, talking to a group of friends.

Series highlights: Zelda pulls a Black Swan, frantically doing pliés while her mind deteriorates. Zelda and F. Scott have a major fight when he plagiarizes her diary for This Side of Paradise. The epic, heart-breaking series finale covers Zelda’s death while locked in a burning mental hospital. The actual footage is omitted. The crew survived.

Charm School with Truman Capote

Announcer: “Can Truman Capote make SILK PURSES out of these SOW’S EARS?”

Video: Several teens sit at a fancy dining table. One burps loudly and unapologetically. Another curses so much almost all of her dialogue is bleeped. Wearing an impeccable Tom Ford suit, Capote watches them, shaking his head with dismay.

Season highlights: Capote has a rap battle with several of his students. He’s surprisingly good.

Dandy Eye for the Bro Guy

Announcer: “See Baudelaire LOSE HIS MIND when a client ignores his advice!”

Video: Baudelaire takes one look at his client’s outfit, and storms off set, shouting expletives. The man in question wears cargo shorts, a ratty t-shirt, and socks with flip-flops.

Season highlights: Baudelaire and Kanye West meet-cute while reaching for the same fashion cane. Baudelaire starts an internet beef with Rachel Zoe.

Edgar Allan Poe Goes to College

Announcer: “Watch this famous COLLEGE DROPOUT try to fit in at TEXAS UNIVERSITY.”

Video: Poe enters an Austin coffee shop. A girl looks at him, and loudly says, “God. I am so sick of hipster mustaches.” Poe looks wounded and confused.

Series highlights: Poe goes to SXSW, and discovers his love for Black Heart Procession. He wins a beer pong tournament at a fraternity. Poe graduates with honors, despite doing all his classwork at the local bar.

Keeping Up With the Whartons

Announcer: “This season, FAMILY RULES as Edith returns to her parents’ New York brownstone, but can she SURVIVE when her EX, Teddy, suddenly returns?”

Video: Teddy drunkenly enters Edith’s private box at the opera. She picks up her opera glasses and demurely ignores him.

Season highlights: Edith finds out that the phrase “Keeping up with the Jonses,” coined about her father’s family, has been replaced with “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” She makes a lot of snide comments about the nouveau riche. When Edith hosts an exclusive dinner party, the Kardashians are snubbed. There is significant show-to-show crossover.

I’m Ernest Hemingway… Get Me Out of Here!

Announcer: “Tune in to this year’s HOTTEST show (insert clip of a desert) and see if Ernest Hemingway is man enough to outlive the tropics!”

Video: Hemingway runs frantically from a wild boar.

Series highlights: Gaunt and sunburnt, Hemingway searches the island for a hidden “Moveable Feast.” Hemingway accidentally eats a psychotropic plant, and thinks he’s on assignment for The Kansas City Star. The hilarious season finale rewards Hemingway with a trip to Brasserie Lipp; he cries at the sight of steak tartare. CryingWhileEating.com freaks out.

A Shot at Love with Jane Austen

Announcer: “Come back next week for more HEARTBREAK as SHOCKING TRUTHS are revealed!”

Video: Jane’s favorite suitor admits his engagement to another woman. Jane runs out of the room, sobbing.

Season highlights: Jane recovers from her heartbreak with the help of her sister and best friend, Cassandra. Jane bonds with a real estate agent. They fall in love as he escorts her across his vast acres of land.

The Simple Life with Lord Byron

Announcer: “This season, see Lord Byron give up his life of EXCESS for one of ACCESS — to the SIMPLE LIFE.”

Video: Lord Byron rides on the back of a garbage truck. He serves fast food. Farmhands wake Lord Byron, asleep in the barn. They laugh at the curling papers in his hair.

Season highlights: Lord Byron tries to seduce a local Arkansas hottie. She assumes he’s a “disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m saying?” and rejects him. Lord Byron then sleeps with her brother. Their parents kick him off their farm.

The Real Housewives of Ex-Pat Paris

Announcer: “Who starts THROWING STONES when Alice shows up to a concert (insert video of pot leaves, psychedelic music) STONED?”

Video: Alice B. Toklas’ loud snoring overshadows Cole Porter’s music. Spectators glare at her. Embarrassed, Gertrude Stein nudges Alice awake. Immediately, Alice asks where to get food — loudly. Audience members shush her. Cole looks livid.

Season highlights: Picasso shows his Portrait of Gertrude Stein at the Met in New York. An art critic comments that Gertrude doesn’t resemble the painting. Picasso replies, “She will.” Alice laughs. Gertrude gives them both the cold shoulder, and Alice sleeps on the couch that night.

Growing up Brontë

Announcer: “Tune in this season as DISASTER STRIKES. Can the remaining Brontës COPE with the LOSS?”

Video: Charlotte cries while Emily comforts her. Anne stands forgotten in the background.

Series highlights: Charlotte makes advances on her married ex-headmaster, Constantin Héger. Their brother, Branwell, seduces the wife of Anne’s boss. Anne confronts Branwell, but the illicit love continues. Anne is eventually forced to quit.

See the original post HERE

Which of these would YOU be most interested in seeing?

Or is there an author you'd ADD to the list?

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: Book Review, "Underworld" by Don DeLillo

When considering America in the twentieth century, trash probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. By “trash” I mean garbage, refuse, or waste. The thrown away, tossed aside detritus of everyday life that, when assembled together, paints a complete portrait of who we are. This is what Don DeLillo does with his 1997 novel Underworld*. He takes the discarded, the peripheral, and brings it into full view. He looks at America in the second half of the twentieth century--and our own inner lives--by sifting through the remains. For DeLillo, one nation’s trash is his treasure.

Underworld is a grand tome that is deservedly called a “Great American Novel,” a “Masterpiece,” or just “Very Long.” At 827 pages, DeLillo packs his dense novel full of fascinating characters, richly detailed locations, and enough emotional heft to carry at least five books. DeLillo, along with Cormac McCarthy, is rightly considered one of the titans of late twentieth century American literature. His prose is straightforward and unadorned, yet his language is so evocative and descriptive that you can feel everything he writes. His brilliance lies in his ability to probe the psyche of a person, a nation, an event, or even an object. A master of aesthetics, DeLillo is a pointillist painter with words.

While DeLillo can hone in on a moment and extrapolate reams of data to understand that moment from all angles, he still manages to paint a sweeping picture of Cold War America. Told in reverse-chronological order, Underworld begins in the modern day (which was then the late 90’s) and goes backwards through the decades until 1951. The prologue, practically a novella, focuses on a fateful day in 1951 when “the shot heard round the world” took place. The “shot” refers to a baseball home run during a playoff game between the New York Dodgers and Giants, which, coincidentally--amazingly--took place the same day the Soviet Union exploded their first atomic bomb. Truth is stranger than fiction, but DeLillo uses the day to capture the grandeur, paranoia, and interconnectedness that follows in the rest of the novel.

The home run baseball from that 1951 game connects most of the players in the novel. DeLillo retraces the baseball’s ownership through the decades, going from a local Bronx man to a memorabilia collector to one of the protagonists, a man named Nick Shay. Nick, originally from the Bronx, lives in Arizona where he works for a waste management company, specializing in storing nuclear waste. A soul adrift in the American West, Nick is burdened with a tragic past, much like his country. And like America, he is also burdened with an existential crisis, unsure of the future and unsure how to define himself in this new, modern age.

It’s nearly impossible to summarize the plot, not only because there are many subplots, but because doing so would take so much time that you’d be better off just reading the book. The novel is composed of vignettes, snapshots in time that, when stitched together, tell the story of its characters. Each chapter could work as its own short story, which, for me, made reading the long novel breezy and refreshing. Rather than being taxed with remembering who’s who and what’s what, I was able to enjoy each chapter as its own pearl. In fact, what’s important isn’t necessarily plot points, but the truths behind the stories. On practically every page you could find DeLillo’s thesis statement and also a universal truth (sometimes they’re one in the same). In 827 pages, you would hope that some sentences jump out at you, but in Underworld you get more than you anticipate, and each gem snaps your head back with its profound wisdom.

What general truths, then, does the novel espouse? It’s easy to forget that the 1990s were an innocent age. America, emerging victorious from the Cold War, was the lone superpower. There were little or no threats looming over our heads, and the fear of total annihilation suddenly disappeared overnight. America was in a bubble, a still limbo where we didn’t know our place in the world. We had time to reflect back on the past fifty years, when nuclear bombs were the norm. In the 90s, as in today, with enough time and distance, the thought of a nuclear warhead raining down on us, destroying civilization, seemed preposterous. It was mad. It was also very real. But, despite the fear of global meltdown, people went on living their lives.

Underworld examines those unsung heroes of the Cold War: the everyday people. The men and women who scraped by, trying to make sense of their own purpose while trying to make sense of the hectic, chaotic world around them.

Now, though, in a post-9/11 world, we’re thrown into a different “Us vs. Them” mentality. The world is again in chaos (is it ever not?), and we’re slowly (hopefully) emerging from the terrible shadow of fear. So, while the idea of Underworld may seem quaint and dated now, we can still appreciate its message. In fact, by reading the chapters that take place in the 90s we can see both a prescience and a timelessness in the way DeLillo imagines a nation as eerily paranoid about the future. And today, with the prospect of a nuclear Iran, the novel regains its immediacy.

While DeLillo easily paints a maco picture, he specializes in the micro moments. Interior thoughts, small conversations, quiet reveries, even the minute description of a work of art: these moments make up the underworld of our existence. DeLillo captures them effortlessly, almost stream-of-consciousness, which made the novel flow quickly.

Though I don’t know for sure, parts (especially later parts of the novel) felt autobiographical to me. DeLillo was born and raised in the Bronx, in an Italian-American family, much like Nick Shay. The later chapters that take place primarily in the 1950s Bronx felt a bit removed from the rest of the novel. It was a little too specific, a little too much of a departure from the grand scheme of the rest of the book. Too much time was focused on certain characters while we lost track of others during these chapters, but it’s hard to complain given that the writing and the characterization were still top notch.

DeLillo brings his story back to the present at the very end, and he tries to tie everything (technology included) together in a way that does work, but it actually feels a little quaint given the age we live in now.

There is, of course, a lot more that can be said about Underworld. It’s long, but well worth your time (and I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better about the time I spent on it). It’s a big book and a Big Book, one deserving of all of the praise heaped on it (in 2006, a group of prominent writers named it the number two book in the past 25 years, behind Toni Morrison’s Beloved).

If you see a ragged copy of Underworld in a used bookstore or see the book littering a for sale rack, pick up a copy. Or order a new one and keep it on hand. The small stories that get tucked away shouldn’t be lost forever. Sometimes, they’re the stories that really matter.

*In case you were wondering, this has nothing to do with the vampire vs. werewolf movies of the same name.

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: Short Stories for a Short Month

It’s common knowledge that February is the shortest month of the year. Having verified this using various reputable sources (thanks, Far Side desk calendar), I can also say a short February is for the best. For some in northern climates, February can be cold and dreary. For others who dislike Valentine’s Day, February can also be cold and dreary. February, in short, can stand to be shorter. Sure, Presidents’ Day cuts the workload down by one day, but there’s little time to think of that as we trudge through the dead of winter hoping for the first signs of Spring (groundhogs be damned).

Luckily for us, February remains the shortest month and we’re already halfway through. Unluckily for us, this is a leap year, which means we’ll see that rarest of days, February 29. But fret not, because I have a fitting way to help you while away the hours: read some short stories! Revel in the brevity of the short form as you hibernate through the extra February gloom.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are some classic (and should-be-classic) short stories for you to enjoy:

“The Most Dangerous Game” by Richard Connell (You can read it for free here!)

Chances are you’ve read this one (along with others on the list), and for good reason. This classic thriller tells the tale of a man who washes ashore of a mysterious island, only to discover an amiable host turns out to have a deadly secret. A hunting expedition comes with a twist that has been redone and parodied throughout the years, but this short, effective story gives you chills, action and a nice twist. Reading this for class in middle school made me realize how fun literature can be.

“All The King’s Horses” by Kurt Vonnegut

A story similar to the one above, this follows an American colonel, his family and crew emerging from a plane crash in the Chinese jungle. A Chinese officer captures the party and sets up a game of chess with the American colonel, except the pieces are his compatriots. Lose a piece and that player loses their life. This more dangerous game plays out as a taught drama and also as a nice piece of Cold War analogy. This story can be found in one of Vonnegut’s collections, Welcome to the Monkey House.

“Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?” by Joyce Carol Oates (You can read it for free here!)

A very popular short story, this one from prolific writer Joyce Carol Oates seems simple, kooky, frightening and perplexing all at once. A young girl, just at the point of blossoming into adulthood, is confronted by Arnold Friend, a strange young man who appears outside of the girl’s house. Through their interaction, the girl comes to realize the power--for good and bad--of her budding sexuality. We’re never quite sure who Arnold is supposed to be, or what exactly he represents (he can be “A. Friend” or, if you remove the ‘r’s, “An old Fiend”). What’s clear is the young girl, and you the reader, will come out changed when Arnold leaves. Fun fact, Oates devoted the story to Bob Dylan, though some claim this admission really means Oates based Mr. Friend off the singer.

“St. Lucy’s Home for Girls Raised by Wolves” by Karen Russell

Another coming-of-age story, and similarly obtuse and perplexing, “St. Lucy’s” follows a group of what appear to be wolf-girls at a boarding home. The story is told from a young pup’s point of view, so we’re jostled about, trying to make sense of her bizarre story. Once it becomes clear that these wild young animals are being domesticated by the strict nuns of the home, everything falls into place. A nice allegory for growing up and conforming to strange societal norms, you’ll find where these wild things are to be exciting, poignant, and a little sad. This story can be found in Russell’s collection of the same name.

“Wait” by Roy Kesey

A perfect short story to read during a layover, “Wait” takes place at a nondescript, run-of-the-mill airport that exists everywhere and nowhere. A mysterious fog surrounds the airport, causing delays and grounding flights. Soon, the stranded passengers react normally, but as time passes tension escalates until there’s complete pandemonium and all hell breaks loose. If the girls in “St. Lucy’s” are forced to civilize, here we see what happens when civilization breaks down. Surreal, dark, and side-splittingly funny, “Wait” takes the history of human experience and crams it into an airport terminal. You can find this story in The Best American Short Stories 2007.

The beauty of the short story is that there are countless great ones available and they take a fraction of the time to read. Clearly, this list is missing many, many short stories. But then again, it’s a short list. What are some of your favorite short stories?

Sneaky (and False) Hilarity in Washington, D.C.

This Congressional satire from our very own guest blogger, Dan Cabrera, will give you a chuckle on this tiring Monday night--or at least it did for me!

WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to some political watchdogs and alert members of the press, Representative Bill Flores (R-Texas) slipped in some of his novel-in-progress while reading a bill in the House of Representatives.

Flores was reading the bill, House Resolution 1409.21, or the Wildlife Preservation and Census Act, when he started reciting from a book he is writing. From what those in the chamber gathered, the congressman from Texas is working on a particularly steamy romance set on the high seas.

“Funds for the relocation of the Alaskan timberwolf will be appropriated from the closing of the yellow-tipped raptor-watching stations. Such funds shall be administered by an oversight committee set up by Lord Admiral Woolsey. The Admiral was in hot pursuit of the dreaded pirate Red Beard, the most notorious villain this side of Grenada,” Flores read. According to a C-SPAN transcript, Flores continued with his excerpt. “Lady Woolsey, the Admiral’s daughter, objected to her father’s business. Secretly, she longed for the pirate’s embrace, wishing to kiss his gold-toothed mouth and feel his fiery beard caress her cheeks.”

Read the rest of Dan's post HERE

(Don't worry. It's not true. Though I kind of wish it were.)

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: Romance In the Romance Section: Do Couples Find Love in Bookstores?

Reading is often a solitary experience. You cozy up by the fire in your big comfy chair, wrapped in your favorite Snuggie, a mug of hot cocoa at your side. You creak open that hardbound copy of Anna Karenina and find yourself enraptured by the philosophical musings on subsistence farming. Oh, the joys of reading!

That might not sound like the most exciting Saturday night, but for many readers it can beat going to a club or hitting up a local bar. There’s no getting around it: bookworms have a reputation. Sure, there’s the sexy librarian thing, but that seems to be the exception to the rule.

Avid readers are often depicted as anti-social nerds wearing Coke-bottle glasses. There’s even the word “bookish,” which doesn’t exactly have the best of connotations. The OED lists one definition of the word as “Acquainted with books only.” Book lovers clearly do not get much love.

Or do they? A recent Slate article suggests that bookstores are a hotbed of romantic activity. The article focuses on Brooklyn independent bookstores and how they are a great pickup spot:

Bookstores are magnets for people with an hour to kill, and isn't that when one's eyes are most likely to wander, to scan other people's faces for signs of friendliness? The wide tables of alluring, face-up hardcovers and paperbacks invite lingering fingers and quiet conversation. Surely, Brooklyn's single population was using the bookstore (and others like it) as a backdrop for finding true love.

There is something romantic about bookstores, maybe now more than ever. Like the record store, a bookstore is where you will find aficionados and true fans—people who share your interests and passions. And like record stores, bookstores are quickly becoming a thing of the past.

But is a bookstore just a quieter bar (one without the social lubricant of alcohol, of course)? Like I mentioned above, book nerds tend to prefer getting lost in a novel, not in someone’s eyes. Would fiction fans or graphic novel groupies have the nerve to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger?

I can barely talk to people I know, and the thought of approaching a stranger in a public place makes me break out in hives. Add to that the possibility of flirting and you’ve got yourself a Code Blue. In a bookstore you are completely out in the open. There is no loud music, no throng of people (unfortunately) to slink into. There’s you, the books, and the cashier who desperately hopes you will buy multiple copies of the The Modernist Cuisine at full price.

Then again, maybe a bookstore isn’t such a bad place to find love after all. If you strike out with your pick-up line, just go behind the stacks and hide your face behind an over-sized atlas. If you like a particular genre, find its section and chat up a fellow fan (If you’re in the horror section here’s a line, free of charge: “Talking to you is scarier than this whole wall of books. Please go out with me.”) If finding love in a bookstore is a possibility, it might be the best reason to forsake Amazon entirely.

Have you picked anyone up in a bookstore? Have you ever found the Barnes to your Noble? If you have, please let me know. I’ll be parked in front of the Self-Help section, waiting.

---

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: The Books Are All (Copy)Right: A Close Look At The Google Books Settlement

The battle over the fate of digital books rages on. Last week a judge rejected the Google Books Settlement, a proposed agreement between Google and numerous authors whose works were digitized and added to an online database operated by the search giant.

Before the Settlement, a class-action lawsuit had been filed against Google claiming that the company’s initiative of providing a searchable catalog of every book ever published violated copyright law. Most of these books were “orphans,” or books with no clear copyright holder. This includes older and out-of-print works and academic titles. The issue of public domain, however, is a different story. (To find out more about copyright laws and public domain, check out the embedded links. Oh, and this one too!)

What’s the big deal, then? By all appearances it seems that Google is doing the world a service by digitizing books that have fallen off the map. Google’s unofficial motto of “Don’t be evil” seems to fit nicely with their efforts to preserve the world’s literature. But there’s a big distinction between simply not being evil and actively being good. In this case, Google may be committing a sin of omission.

Or rather, a sin of excessive inclusion.

Google’s aim is to add every book—ever—to its online index. One of the main problems the authors, agents, publishers, and librarians have with Google’s efforts is that the company has chosen an opt-out feature. The feature, part of the Google Books Settlement, means authors and copyright holders would have to notify Google if they didn’t want to be included. Kind of like the Do Not Call registry or a subscription you try out but don’t realize you have to cancel after the trial period. It makes life easier for Google, but would mean constant vigilance on the part of publishers. In his ruling last week, Judge Denny Chin noted that an opt-in feature, where Google would have to wait for permission before scanning a book, may be a good compromise. Yet Google may not want to wait.

While Judge Chin remarked that he believed in an accessible, digital library of all books, he was sure to point out that copyright issues are driving this case. When orphan books are added to the Google library, Google often becomes then the sole distributor of that work since no one else seems to be stepping up. This creates a monopoly of sorts, an issue in itself, but it also returns us to the issue of copyright and who owns what.

Copyright is certainly a tricky problem. According to the U.S. Copyright office, an author retains the copyright for his or her lifetime plus seventy years. Granted, there are many facets to that rule, and if copyright was simple there wouldn’t be legions of copyright lawyers.

Copyright is an important part of protecting your intellectual property and making sure an artist or author gets recognition. But for many, recognition isn’t as important as remuneration. Everyone wants to make money off their ideas, and whether that means getting paid for your patent of a motorized ice cream cone or from copyrighting your Elvis sighting, selling your exclusive product is a safe way of bringing in the dough.

The question on many people’s minds: Is Google breaking copyright law?

So far, no lawsuit has been filed expressly for that reason, though part of the original claim against Google hinted at copyright infringement. Google published snippets of claimants’ scanned books, which caused quite a stir with authors.

The Google Books Settlement poses some interesting ideas about copyright and open access. Right now, major publishers don’t seem to be up in arms about Google’s plans. After all, Google has its own ebook store, similar to Amazon and the Apple book store. It is the digital library that is causing more headaches and is the focus of the settlement. The library is, in a way, an open-access database. Publishers both big and small are realizing the benefits of ebooks and the importance of having an online presence.

Some publishers, namely some specializing in STM (Science, Technical, and Medical publishing) have open-access sites where thousands of books and journals are available for free. Of course, they are free if you belong to an institution that pays handsomely for access to the content in the first place. Project Gutenberg has also been offering online versions of works in the public domain for some time. But the point is that the web makes it easy for information to be shared and more and more we are seeing a move to transparency and free dissemination of content.

There are those who believe all content should be free, no matter what. There are also those who believe governments shouldn’t keep any secrets. While these are noble thoughts, there are legal and ethical ramifications of seeing those staunch beliefs carried out to the letter. Bit-torrent and file-sharing sites like The Pirate Bay have been a thorn in companies’ sides for some time (though recently a court ruled that the site was guilty of facilitating piracy). Wikileaks, of course, continues to make transparency a hot topic of conversation.

The debate over digitizing orphan books will also continue, and Google will keep on scanning out-of-print titles and making them available for free. It’s hard to completely object to Google’s efforts to spread information and make books available to readers. For its ever-increasing dominance in our lives, Google has done wonders for the web and, by extension, our lives (guess which search engine was used to research this article?). But by the same token, authors deserve control of their work, not to mention some financial compensation.

In the end, Google may not be allowed to hold exclusive rights to their library, which means other companies or institutions will join the game (see this article from The New York Times for a good overview of the Google Books Settlement and a better look at what might, and perhaps should, happen next). It may not be great for Google, but with millions of free books available at our fingertips, it certainly isn’t bad for readers.

Cats and Books--Two of My Favorite Things

Dan just sent me this great YouTube link video called "Cat Library." I was stoked to watch it because I was expecting something hilarious. But as it unfolded, I crinkled my brow, slightly confused...

Then I realized: It's an advertisement for a piece of furniture! (Designed by Corentin Dombrecht)

And with that epiphany came another: I WANT ONE.

For more info, check out this post over at Mystery Fanfare.

A Little Hump Day Hilarity

Dan sent me a link from Time Magazine's TheNewsFeed last week that I just finally had a chance to check out--and boy, am I glad I did! Hilarity certainly ensued when I saw that someone published a book with blank pages...

Ever wonder what every man thinks about apart from sex? Apparently, the answer is quite simple: nothing. Or at least that's what author and comedian Sheridan Simove claims in his gripping book, What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex.

To demonstrate his position, Simove cunningly has filled the book with 200 blank pages. And even though you could say it is far from "well written", it's climbed the ranks of Amazon's charts to No. 744, and even outsold both Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code and J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. But who exactly is lapping up Simove's words of wisdom? Well, it turns out it's become a campus craze throughout Britain after a student at the University of Nottingham bought the book as a joke for her friend who brought it to class to take notes on.

Author Simove, a 39-year-old Oxford University psychology graduate, said he never expected his work to become a bestseller, but admitted his next project is a PhD on what women think about apart from sex. But let's face it, that might take him a whole decade to finish.

See the original article HERE

My question though--as funny as the concept may be, why on earth would anyone actually purchase it? Seems like an awful waste of money to me...

Monday Morning Dinosaur Genre Talk (What???)

Good morning, friends--just wanted to say Happy Monday and give you all a little beginning-of-the-week chuckle with this comic from Dinosaur Comics (recommended by none other than guest blogger Dan Cabrera) about categorizing your fiction into genres.

FUN FACT: Choosing the appropriate genre can be tricky business, but it's important! Publishing is an industry where items do, in fact, fall into semi-strict categories and those categories determine a book's audience, which in turn determines how it is marketed, promoted, and sold. Categorizing a book improperly can lead to its downfall, even if it’s a well-written and entertaining book.

It's On Like Donkey Kong....in the 1920s.

Once more, guest blogger Dan Cabrera steps up to send me some Friday Fun from Gawker today.

Given my recent obsession with Donkey Kong Returns for my Wii, it's also very, very fitting. Probably why he sent it to me in the first place but ya know ;) It doesn't hurt that I also happen to love the classic novel to which it refers.

Check it. If you enjoy F. Scott Fitzgerald and/or video games, you're going to love it.

For all you literary gamers out there, two tech-savvy literary nerds have created an 8-bit video game version of F. Scott Fitzgerald's great American novel The Great Gatsby get ready to waste your entire afternoon.

Like the Nintendo games of yore, this is a two-dimensional platform game where you use your keyboard to control Nick Carraway, the novel's hero, as he winds his way through Gatsby's party, the train out to East Egg, and other challenges I'm not yet adept enough to discover. On the way you collect coins, cocktails, and cute outfits while throwing money at butlers, flappers, and drunkards.

See the complete posting HERE

Happy Friday! here, Have a Smile :)

Happy Friday, friends! I hope you're having a good end to the workweek.

If you aren't though and need a little smile, guest blogger Dan Cabrera sent me a couple adorable book-related links this morning to Hipster Puppies. Yes, that's right...Hipster Puppies.

"Penny fears kindles because “then how are people going to know what you’re reading?”

"The Brooklyn writer’s workshop is just going to have to deal with Mollie’s mad men fan fiction."

So cute! Thanks, Dan!

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: "The Office" Walks Into A Bookstore

You booklovers out there who saw last week’s episode of The Office, “Ultimatum,” may have perked up a bit when three characters walked into a bookstore. For a show ostensibly about people working in an industry that is rapidly diminishing or changing (paper sales), a bookstore should be a familiar setting to the characters, and one that could be a goldmine for jokes. It’s too bad the segment failed to deliver.

In the episode, Darryl (Craig Robinson), Dwight (Rainn Wilson), and Andy (Ed Helms) decide to fulfill their New Year’s Resolutions. For Dwight and Andy, that resolution is to “Meet a Loose Woman,” but Darryl’s goal is to simply read more books. Darryl, always the smooth operator, convinces Dwight and Andy that a bookstore is the perfect place to meet easy girls. All you do is ask a “cutie” what she’s reading then ask if they want to hang out—which, according to Darryl, leads to something more than just late-night discussions on who’s your favorite Brontë sister. It’s that simple. (If it’s actually that simple is the topic for another post.)

When the trio arrives at the bookstore they split up, each deciding to take a section to scour for babes. While Andy and Dwight stake their territory, Darryl goes straight to the saleswoman who is selling eBook readers. This is a generic chain bookstore apparently named Owl, which resembles a typical Borders or Barnes & Noble. A quick glimpse at some of the titles in the background doesn’t give away much. In fact, it looks as if some are prop books, though if you look closely you can see a copy of Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom in the background.

The real fun of the scene happens when Darryl is sold an eReader. The only eReader that seems to be on sale is Kobo’s wireless eReader. It’s a bit hard to tell if Kobo paid for the inclusion of their eReader, or if the producers happened to film in a Borders (or, they didn’t want to offend B&N or Amazon). When offered the eReader Darryl hesitates, claiming he is scared to death of the machines. Because he works at a paper company, he argues, these little contraptions can put him out of business. The saleswoman is persistent, and corrects Darryl when he says he heard the device can carry “ten books at once,” when it’s more like ten thousand. Add the fact that the device is so light (“Like a croissant!”) and Darryl is sold.

Dwight and Andy can’t seem to pick up any ladies at the bookstore and when they leave with Darryl they ask to check out his purchase. Darryl, embarrassed, comes up with a clever lie to keep the other two from looking in his bag (I won’t give it away).

And that’s the end of the bookstore. Yes, later we see Darryl enjoying the eReader, still trying to hide its existence from his friends, but The Office has seemed to close the book—if you’ll pardon the pun—on the idea of eReaders. It’s entirely possible Darryl’s eReader will come back to haunt him, but it’s doubtful.

As publishing insiders know, eReaders are turning the book market upside down. Ebook sales are beginning to surpass physical book sales, a frightening prospect for many in the publishing world. Brick-and-mortar chains aren’t faring well, and it would be foolish not to point to eBooks as part of the problem. Paper books are becoming redundant, to borrow some office lingo.

This is ripe territory for The Office. They’ve dealt with publishing at least once before, when the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch was able to capture a major New York publishing company as a client. For most of the series’ run, the plots focused on the floundering paper company in an increasingly paperless world. The threats of layoffs are a recurring plot device, and this scary prospect is ringing all too true for publishing employees. The idea of a paper salesman abandoning paper books is sacrilegious! It’s traitorous! It can also lend itself to some great comedy. So it is surprising the idea was treated so casually on last week’s episode.

What if, instead, Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) was using an eReader in the office? Obviously this is heresy, and a good portion of the episode could revolve around Jim trying to hide his eReader from Michael. Eventually, Michael would find out, become upset, do something zany and frustratingly embarrassing. But in the end he would realize—as he so often does—that he has to adapt to the world, rather than trying to make the world adapt to him. It would be slightly more interesting, slightly more relevant, and maybe produce some bigger laughs.

Maybe I’m being too hard on The Office. After all, the show isn’t really about paper. (And don’t they sell printers now? Do they even sell paper anymore? And whatever happened to traveling salesman Timothy Olyphant?) The show is about relationships, about average folks trying to get by in this difficult world. The Office is about the awkward, embarrassing, and downright sad trials of everyday life. But it shows us that with a few laughs and some good friends, we can get by and come out on top.

Hopefully the show will revisit books and eReaders. I think there is more to be said there, and who better (and funnier) to say it than The Office?

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: Don’t Be Spooked by Scary Book News

Halloween is just around the corner, and if that doesn’t raise the hairs on the back of your neck then maybe the constant stream of terrifying news about the publishing industry will chill you to the bone. Just look around. You can’t miss stories bemoaning the sad state of book affairs. Borders appears on the verge of annihilation, Barnes & Noble is in constant turmoil, and eBooks aren’t even safe! It’s enough to give you the heebie-jeebies.

While publishing insiders have been forecasting doom and gloom for some time (and to be fair, everyone—not just the book industry—has been in dire straits recently), there is always some good news to be had. Sure, maybe the news isn’t as sweet as a candy apple, but it’s good news nonetheless. Borders is opening temporary stores for the holidays! Book sales are up overall from last year! And for even more hope, just check out this article that ran in USA Today this week.

The article lists five myths leading people to believe that traditional books, especially big publishing houses, are in their death throes. Most of the fallacies focus on the surging popularity of eBooks and their supposed inevitable dominance over print books. Even self e-publishing is “threatening” to take down print. However, USA Today's Myth No. 1 explains why this isn’t at all true:

Myth No. 1. Publishers are merely printers. That would be news to companies like ours, which don't even operate their own printing presses. Publishers today are in the content business. We develop it; we design it; and we deliver it however our readers want it.

Ah, yes. Content is king. Publishers and editors not only make the books, they make sure those books are worth reading, that they illuminate, educate, entertain. One of the novelties of eBooks means that now anyone can be an author. In fact, Barnes & Noble just introduced a new program that allows anyone with an Internet connection to upload their latest masterpiece, as the Amazon Kindle store currently does. But just because you can write a book doesn’t mean you should.

Publishing houses help filter through all of the noise to bring readers the best of the best. And yes, this may change in the future as self-publishing becomes more sophisticated. And sure, not all books released by publishing companies are exactly “high art.” But as the USA Today article points out, “At every stage of the editorial process, publishers partner with their authors as creative consultants, editors and designers.” After all, they’re professionals for a reason.

So fear not, faithful reader. We may not be out of the woods just yet, but that’s no reason to cower and let the ghouls and goblins run amok. We can do with a scare every now and then, especially when in the end of the day, we always get to go home and curl up with a piece of candy and a good book. Well, unless you’re diabetic.

Guest Blogger, Dan Cabrera: Books Not Bombs: Can Reading Bring Peace To Afghanistan?

Yesterday a friend of mine posed an interesting question: If you could translate one and only one book into Pashto, the official language of Afghanistan, what book would you choose?

It so happens that a friend of mine—who is currently serving in the Military Intelligence Corps of the United States Army—was asked by one of his superiors for a recommendation of a novel to translate.

This got me thinking, naturally, as to which novel I would choose (more on that later). But I also thought, perhaps more importantly, why is the Army translating whole novels for the Afghani population? Aren’t there more pressing issues at hand over there?

Bibliophiles like to believe that books make a difference in the world. Reading enlightens, educates, and connects us all through a shared experience—or so it can be argued. Sure, some books and documents have unquestionably changed the course of human history, from The Communist Manifesto to The Jungle to Harry Potter, among others. And let’s not forget that little missive called the Bible.

There’s no question that books can shock, delight, and make readers see the world from a different viewpoint. If a book neglects to move the reader in one way or another then that book has failed. But is the U.S. Army hoping to move the Taliban to tears after reading Sophie’s Choice? Do they hope insurgents will see the error of their ways and the frailty of human life after reading All Quiet on the Western Front?

No matter what book the Army chooses to translate, they may have to deal with a bigger problem than subjective taste to confront. It turns out that most of the Afghani population has the reading comprehension of an American Kindergartener. According to a recent Wired blog post, Afghani police officers and soldiers can’t even read their bank statements or the serial numbers on their weapons. Soldiers who believe they’re not getting paid won’t be soldiers for long, and even if they do stick around they can’t keep track of their weapons?

Realizing this, and recognizing that reading comprehension is just a good thing to have in general, NATO forces in Afghanistan have decided to give all soldiers, police officers, and recruits some homework.

This war on illiteracy may prove just as tough as the real war, especially after considering that smoking heroin and opium—made from the abundant poppy plant found in Afghanistan— is a way of life for soldiers. U.S. generals would rather have Afghanis hooked on phonics than on drugs and are hopeful they are hopeful they can create some bookworms within a year.

So it makes sense that if Afghanis are going to be reading we might as well provide them with some good books. Unless, of course, our intentions aren’t as benevolent as they seem (are they ever?). Books are information, after all, and it wouldn’t be a war without some good, old-fashioned propaganda. Not that I’m suggesting the military is planning something insidious with their translations—though perhaps some publishers, agents, and authors who are losing out on foreign and translation money may think so—nor am I getting ready to don my tinfoil hat and break out conspiracy theories.

After all, propaganda comes in many forms. We love dropping pro-American leaflets on our enemies almost as much as we love dropping some BLU-82 Daisy Cutters or GBU-43 MOABs. And while some may argue that Military Intelligence is an oxymoron, spreading pro-American sentiment through radio and TV broadcasts, websites, and pamphlets can help win the hearts and minds of civilians and, in the best case scenario, change the minds of some bad guys.

So, is the Army using books to help spread the word that we’re the good guys, then? It’s a little far-fetched, considering what we already know about the reading level of the majority of Afghanis. Add to that the fact that novels can take a heck of a long time to read.

Then again, maybe that’s the point: sit everyone down with a good book and fighting will stop. Both sides can form book clubs, discussing which characters were their favorites, which endings surprised them the most, and who would play whom in the inevitably movie adaptation.

One can only hope.

My friend who brought up the subject suggested the Lord of the Rings trilogy (okay, it’s three books—four if you count The Hobbit—but really it’s like one big, long book). A good choice, I think, since 1) it’s a great read, and 2) the story captures the universal themes of good versus evil, bravery versus cowardice, greed versus selflessness. Another friend of mine suggested To Kill a Mockingbird. Atticus Finch is the embodiment of justice; Scout the embodiment of childhood innocence. Both books should be read by everyone, no matter where he or she is from, in my opinion, but I’m not certain they would be top picks for the Army.

Someone else I know suggested The Kite Runner, but that might be a little too raw and harrowing for a newly minted reader. Three Cups of Tea? Sure, definitely, but not exactly the lay-down-your-arms and support your local G.I. book the brass in the Pentagon might be hoping for (plus, it’s non-fiction, which deserves another list).

What novel would you choose as your one book to be translated to Pashto?

Would it be an anti-war book like Catch-22, Slaughterhouse Five, or Johnny Get Your Gun? Maybe some flag-waving novels like The Red Badge of Courage or most anything by W.E.B. Griffin or Tom Clancy?

Or would you choose something timeless and profound, a book that exposes the best and worst of humanity, something that cuts right to the core of our beings, something so devastating that one cannot put down the book without being moved to tears and filled with an overwhelming sense of compassion?

Or maybe you’d pick something fun and frivolous to give the war-ravaged citizens some levity and a brief respite from their troubles? After all, it’s the least a book can, and should, do.

My pick? The Giving Tree.


About the Blogger: Dan Cabrera is currently a peon in the world of book publishing. He enjoys reading all kinds of books, particularly any that involve animals, mysterious diseases, or bittersweet endings. You can read his blog at deartheonion.tumblr.com.

Welcome to Reading Between the Lines, Dan! We're happy to have you aboard!